Slip and not fall

As I sit here in the private clinic, my home for the moment, I have time for reflection. 

Thoughts of what I don’t deserve. That I’ve made such a fuss. Just get over it. Don’t be so drastic. What if they don’t believe me? What if they see BPD and chuck me out? My presentation right now might look too together. 

It’s ok. I’m not back in crisis where I used to be. I’m proactive. I have great insight.

The psychiatrist was warm and understanding. I didn’t have that new doctor awkwardness where you have to go through your whole life story again. He thoughtfully asked the right questions, discreetly understood my history. 

We have a plan. To get back where I was and functioning well. Medication with time. We need time for it to take. Regular outside support, so I can manage my strategies but keep accountable. And while I’m in here, get back to working with the strategies that were working. Back into exercise. Yoga. Meditation. Singing. All the things that I allowed work to gradually consume. 

I slipped, but I have not completely fallen. I have grabbed onto the railings, using the support to be there and keep me sturdy so I can confidently walk without them once more. 

The note (TW suicide) 

I’m losing it. I must be. It was my ‘good’ week and it has ended in tears once again. I think back over today and put it on replay. The early composure, the conscientious perfectionist that thrives on control and outcomes. I felt so ‘above it’ all. Like I’m walking on the highest of clouds, skipping from one to the next. Sorting them all, supporting them all, aligning them just so. Think about everything but how you feel. The thoughts run so fast it’s hard to keep up. So hard in fact that I miss patches. “Did I put my keys here?” I don’t remember finishing that drink, but I must have because it’s empty. Weird. Now why did I walk in this room? 

The frustration builds. I’m so savvy tho that I recognize it and go for a skill to bring that down a little. I can bring it down enough to face the music and continue on my charade. 

I listen to a guest speaker talk about her mental illness and ability to hold a full time job, and shine in her other performance job. I am jealous. I didn’t realize that till right now as I wrote it. 

I’m sad and I’m jealous. 

I want to be authentic and not have to hide my health struggle. I want that support. I wish to be able to have my calming piano music in my ear without worrying about losing my job. 

It’s so stressful trying to hide mental illness. It’s so heartbreaking when you don’t want to hide it but fear, yes fear what happens when you if you don’t. 

At the time I wiped away the tears and reassured my boss I was ok to go and present. I would have been if everyone had been nice and cooperative. It was unexpected that they weren’t, and I had to leave the room. 

I managed to gain recomposure again and go back and deliver the next 55mins. 

The result is exhaustion. And more tears. Tears that fall with defeating thoughts. Tears that seem to fall for unexplained reasons, in the middle of random places. 

Drip, roll, drip roll……

Wipe

Sniffle. 

And again. Over and over. 

So now I’m seriously considering going back on my medication. 

Or seriously considering writing a note. 

When I was suicidal in the past, it had never occurred to me to rent a hotel room. My mind goes there now. 

What if, instead of doing work and releasing stress by catching up, I just leave altogether?

I would hate for someone to have to find me. I could perhaps write a note and stick it on the outside of the door at the last lucid moment. 

Please do not come in this room but call emergency services. I have committed suicide and would prefer only paramedics to deal with my body

Or pre-record a message and call when it’s too late? 

I would ruin my children’s lives. Forever. I wouldn’t just be killing myself but my family too. Their lives would never be the same. No, I cannot do this to them. 

So I binge and purge, and this makes me feel better for now. That’s twice in 2 weeks. Another slip. For now, I fall asleep and nap and I feel a little relieved. 

Try not to think of the purge as feeling better…. That behaviour will just get more frequent and before I know it I’ll be relapsing. 

I can’t have that. I can’t deal with that again. 

Keep positive, keep perspective. Keep swimming. 

Just keep. For now. Just keep. 

Chocolate is not the answer

 Frustrated, getting angry… 1st response? ‘I want chocolate’

Why I would want chocolate after watching ‘That sugar film’ today is astonishing but that’s what sugar does. 

Breathe. My son was verbally hammering me with arguments after plans had changed, I’m 40th in the queue waiting to try fix our internet that’s been down for 5 days (on school holidays!!!!????!!!) and have tried to contact them several times to no avail. 

So, getting back to I want to feel better, and the first urge is sugar. 

I’m trying the ‘you can have it if you want it but do you really want it?’ And my emotional reaction is YES I WANT IT! But I’m not in wise mind right now so I need some space to deal with my emotions without kids interrupting me telling me they have worms…. Again, another child wanting to know how far I am now in the queue. ‘Erghhhh I am trying to deal with my emotions here so I don’t eat, you go deal with yours!’ 

Right now as I’m writing this blog, this is me using distraction. Trying to fill the time till my emotions come down. Trying to express my voice and not suppress it with food. AND ITS WORKING!! 

Crisis averted. The answer is not chocolate. 

Self therapy; week 1

Today I got a heap of housework done. It’s school holidays so I am bombarded with children and forgot that I had planned to go to yoga today.  Gah! I’m out of routine and it’s hard to get back. Instead I have over eaten. 

I started the day off well after reading a purists take on food last night. Lemon water on rising. Mmm nice. I’m feeling healthier already. The warning bells have been ringing since last night thinking about following a healthy approach to eating. It is extremely restrictive. Restrictiveness for me leads to bingeing later… But if I can just get through my sugar detox then I’ll be ok right? Eat plenty of vegetables, eggs and a little meat and I’ll be so healthy. 

This train of thought is what my therapist would call my sneakiness finding a loophole. It’s written in my maintenance plan…. ‘Is there any thoughts or actions that are trying to find loopholes for weight loss’ … There it is written in black and white. 

So I had a latte a bit later after my lemon water. Dairy is a no-no according to this wellness consultant. But hey, I can’t jump into health to a different extreme. I need to find my middle ground for a while. Cement my feet mid see-saw and not undo all the difficult work I have been doing for the past few years. 

The seed that I planted last night about pure and restrictive eating had already affected my eating patterns today. Eating more and eating junk. Already I was worried I would never get to eat it again, hence the ‘fill up now’ reaction. 

So this week I am focusing on when going to eat; “you can have it if you want it, but do you really want it?’ 

I’ll keep the lemon water and increase preparing healthy meals. But that’s it. Do not plan to remove anything. You’re not ready for that. 

Holiday heartbreak 

1st day of my holidays; eating pizza and chocolate for breakfast. 

SLIGHT RED FLAG PERHAPS???

Now I feel sick. I was looking for comfort, I forgot that holidays does this to me. Sudden slump. As a teacher I’m sure I’m not alone that your mantra becomes one of “keeping it together till the holidays”. 

So now I face the demon. The thoughts creep in about shame, purging, compensating exercise. I need to do something to fix this so I can start again. 

The battle is on: No, I don’t want to purge. I want to be healthy. But this isn’t healthy. I feel so awful. So big. I need to make myself smaller. My face is all patchy. I have to do something about this. 

Recovery wins: I just need to get through these first moments. I’ll address this a bit later when I’m not so distressed. 

The action: have a shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth. 

Feeling a little better, I notice some nice aroma in my room, coming from an essential oil. It reminds me I’ve been turning to food and alcohol lately more and more to deal with my emotions relying on the sense of taste to numb or calm. Where did my other strategies go? The other senses? Time to increase the music to my ears and essential oils to my nose. 

The distress has lessened now. I can deal with recovery more wisely in this frame of mind. 

Goodbye flashlight, the lights are on. 

Hello again to the bloggers I have connected with in the past. I did miss you but I guess I needed some privacy in my recovery. 

Today was my last official therapy appt. I do not have an eating disorder anymore. I am still recovering. In fact, I may always be in small ways.

It’s ironic that today I ‘feel fat’ (no such thing). But I am aware of the thought and I have dealt with it wisely. 

I am trying to write my therapist a thank you card but it’s not going as well as I would like. I want it to perfectly express gratitude yet the enormity of what I want to say and how I feel are too big for a little card.  I have sat and read back through years of blog posts and thinking of journal entries I have written. I come to terms that the emotions are still here. The bad days are still here, but I am healthy enough to wisely deal with them. Like now. I wanted some quiet. I was feeling a conflict of anxious and up. I wanted to find solitude to write. I avoided Max brenner. The chocolate restaurant is Prob not a wise choice now. So I enter the coffee club. Ice coffee and pancakes deluxe. They didn’t even taste nice. Which made me angry. I wasted my money and calories  on this. For the first time in a while I not only thought about purging but the urge got high. I wanted to purge out the waste and the anger. I know how to deal with this tho. And I don’t want to go back to the hell I was in. What I have now I don’t want to lose. Distract. Accept. Let the emotion be. It’s allowed to be. This is my humanity. 

I may go home and smash my scale. It does not measure anything important in life. 

I’m guessing I’ll be writing more recovery focused posts now. 

Talk soon xo

SURGE

Recovery is on the down hill part if the journey at the moment. It’s complicated, but I made a decision that goes in opposition to my ED treatment. In some ways this could be a good move but my therapist does not think so. I’m torn.

On another note, I am amidst a compressed course at university. Will have a whole course done in 4 days. It’s not altogether new material for me but it is the topics I. LOVE. After coming off holidays where my frustrated type A ness met barrier after barrier to achieving any goals, embracing a course I love and am good at has sent me bouncing off the walls. I am elated and excited when I am there for a period of time. Engaged and also challenged to produce articulation and then I hit boredom but hyperactive and need to move. The gym has been my friend in this But after a couple of days…. Doubt. Not about my efficacy but who I am. People must be so annoyed by my exuberant personality. Answering the questions. Coming up with ideas. Writing hard. Talking quick. One person remarked she wish she had ADHD when I was talking how unfelt really hyperactive and needed to go run. So I guess this is how I am presenting. What does the rest of the class think? That I’m a know it all? Do I listen enough? I try wait for someone else to respond. I try to hold myself back. I am aware that I feel I should make myself smaller. That I am too much for people. That I should quiet my voice.
I can feel the drop in mood. I have cried tonight after being super excited for days. Listening to piano music to try keep calm.
This compressed course stuff is intense… Especially for someone senstive to emotional instability. I hate that I have to consider this. Sometimes I wish I wish I was normal… But that farce doesn’t exist.

The most important thing for me right now would be to focus on PLEASE MASTER skills. Taking care of myself.
P – physical iLlness. Check! All good there and taking supplements
E – eating (balanced). Well kind of. It’s under but I’m being wise at times and eating more when I drastically need to.
A – altering drugs (avoid mood alternating drugs). Check. All good there.
S – Sleep. This one has been consistently improved for a long time now so I’ve got that covered too
E – Exercise. Yes. A bit excessive at times but evens out and I’m not getting distressed too much when I can’t. I have been able to adapt pretty well.
MASTER – yep. All over this course.

So. It’s only the eating I’m not going really well in.

Keep on keeping on