Perfectionism

I was overcoming this, on the mountain top waving the conquer flag… Urgh. Rephrase.

I was overcoming this, waving my flag as I climb the mountain with an occasional stumble.

There, that’s better. Perfec…..

Stop.

Deep breath.

After a solid time in recovery, life is becoming fruitful in the ways I had missing. I am noticing now tho, my perfectionism creeping back in.

I started feeding it in my work. It was fulfilling and at the beginning I didn’t see the harm. This was my project that I could control. My family can’t wreck this. It’s all mine I mistakenly thought.

We have moved house and it’s temporary but I am not happy here. There a few things that are messing with my body and my head. So to manage my frustration and anxiety with how things are, and with my body off limits, I delight in my work.

Perfectionism can be so rewarding until its inevitable wall smash.

I cannot have control over my work. There are too many other people at play. Hundreds of them actually. My children also interfere. By delaying my start time with an hour long hypochondria stint making me late for work. Or perhaps the discipline applied which results in school refusal. The stress has risen to breaking point.

I am doing a fabulous job dealing at acute times, using strategies to bring my anxiety down a little. Time takes its toll and this level of stress is not sustainable.

Making sure I take time to remind myself of the meaningful things in life is imperative. Taking time to express myself and emotions is critical. Writing, singing, advocating. If it gets bottled inside I will implode.

Even though my head is shouting toxic thoughts about myself and jumping on my self esteem I will reach out. I will go and have coffee with a friend. Even when my head is saying I am not likable. That people don’t want me as a friend. That people see me as weak. That I am fat. That I need to lose weight, to cut, to harm myself in some way to justify my existence. Even though I face this I will continue to face my fears and live with them. I will adjust my chameleon suit for another day.

A reminder: You work to live, not live to work.

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Birds eye view of colour tabbed objectivity

Stealing an idea I read where someone colour tabbed their diary, I decided to do this to keep balance (or even try to find its birth) in my life.

Begin with excel spreadsheet of my timetable, check! Add in study times… housework…add in family times…add in exercise… add in possible work.
Now, colour coding them..
Done!
Oh. My. Goggles.
This is an eye opener. Lots of Uni time, then throw in pieces of the rest and I hadn’t even thought of time for myself to do anything I might enjoy, with no room left.

This is a perfect recipe for disaster.

Ok. So I can’t work that often then. I need one day where I can have space to breathe. Relax, perhaps watch a tv show or read a book for pleasure!

Smart. Very smart. 🙂