Off with the meds! 

The struggle is real but I have had a really good week. A week where I feel like I have accomplished meaningful and important things.

I went off my meds just after Xmas. I had tapered down a little but then just dropped off. It’s not too risky on these ones seeing as tho they have a long half life. At first I lost sense of time. After 2 weeks I thought it had been 6 weeks. My sense of balance and proprioception changed. I felt like my eyes had just got a new prescription of glasses and I was walking around not exactly sure where things began and ended. That has gone away. After about 3 weeks I have had a rough time dealing. Irritable, shouting, teary, crying. I’ll give it another 2 weeks…. And this week has been great.

The struggle is still real. My sensitivity feels heightened and my body responds. Whether it is goosebumps or the urge to cry, I have to work hard with the strategies I have learnt in recovery to continue to keep from purging or self harm. I’m still winning.

Here’s hoping that “off with the meds” is not “off with my head”

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Unveiling an awakening

The veil lifted by a kind friend.

I knew I had relapsed but I didn’t think I was *that bad*

Until the veil was lifted and I could see so much more. It’s devastating. It’s much worse than I thought.

I had narrowed my vision to a couple of symptoms that were extreme in the past but I was handling those well. But in the meantime it has pervaded my life in other gripping ways.

It’s is now directly affecting my children and all my relationships. I have sworn to not have any friends come to my house to visit again. No coffee or lunch dates. I cannot cope at all. I had a friend come today and she brought cake. I had already bought biscuits. Back this onto my ferocious hunger this morning and the day has not gone well. In fact, it interfered with the rest of my day. I have been unable to do the things that need doing.

The ED is ruining my life again. At least I can see it now. It gives me more motivation for taking action toward recovery.

We are numb

I pull my face out of the murky puddle I have fallen into. Kneeling deep amongst the thick dark liquid, I hesitantly wade my fingers through, pushing the chunky globs aside.
I shake it’s sticky vileness from my hands, wiping them across a dry patch of tissue.

Lifting my cleaner hands over my hair I start the ritual of wanting composure.
Tucking hair behind my ears, flattening the escaping strands.
I need water. Clean, still water. I splash my face and rinse the shame away.
Rising eyes towards the mirror, spidery red, cheeks swollen and sore, I face someone else staring back at me. She is only vaguely familiar now, almost a distant memory. We stare for a few lingering moments. Unsure but desperate to be recognised. Longing for the other to rejoin and become one. Tears escape, rolling slowly, trickling down a path of numbing despair.

No one moves.

Each one waits for the comfort of the other to wipe those tears away.
She doesn’t help so she walks out defeated.

The jagged split takes hold and there is no I anymore. Just a division of selves who continue to show up in the robotic masquerade ball.

The non negotiable recovery strategies

I guess I can declare relapse. It’s disappointing and defeating. I am rarely pursuing recovery and most of the time pursuing weight loss and engaging in ED behaviours and have for months. I feel like right now I do not have the time and space to battle recovery. But I will get back on track soon when I’m fully ready and willing again to face it.

The next time I devote to ED recovery there will need to be some non negotiable things in place for it to be successful long term.
1) exercise I love: yoga and dance as priority over gym. Movement on the beach: sport games, frisbee.
2) no trying to lose weight for a year
3) always leave time for self care day.
4) make decisions on things from the perspective of being in recovery from an ED. Not from the perspective of another person and what they can do.
5) cooking day – have a day where I can prepare wholesome foods that I feel safe to eat

The telltale sign of going MIA on your blog

I’ve been in blog hiding. Avoiding. I mean, what can I articulate when I’m not even sure?

When I’m blog hiding I’ve put it down to 2ish possible reasons.
1) I’m flat out busy living without the immediate cathartic need to blog
2) I’m engaging more in disordered behaviours and feel like I cannot bring positivity to the blogging world

I thought it was 1) for a while. I filled up my life (yet again, when will I learn?) with new and current commitments. Filled it to the brim. Over spilling but I was surfing on top. I got this. I’m achieving. I’m loosing weight. But I’m oh so healthy. I’m doing this the right way!! It’s even curing my eating disorder. I was going so well. Until I wasn’t.
Here’s the thing with eating disorders. You think you have them nailed and then one day you turn around and the nails have fallen out.
The last week has reminded me that I may be at 2). Today it has accumulated into the constant surveillance. Some behaviours seem too hard to resist. Mood is low and fearful. Conflict and war in my head.
Agony resides but I’m letting it be. Laying down my hammer for today. I’m too tired to work.

My name is Miss Chameleon

I have been called this several times… Chameleon. It’s been a protective skill and worked in social situations. It also stops me from connecting with… well… myself. Living through personas and identities as I didn’t know who I was. How do I *be* that person? 

Take on the colour of someone else who I want to be and paint it lusciously over my body. Brush on the expression, the tone, mannerisms, beliefs.. become their prodigy. Vulnerably teachable. I belong. 

Although I don’t meet the criteria for BPD anymore, I wonder when a shift happens if it’s really me or have I just grabbed onto another script? The sway for example from evangelical Christian to passionate …. I’m having a hard time labeling it. This might be a good thing. I was going to say crunchy, or critical academic, I don’t know what it is and I’m happy about that.

Get on that yoga mat and I can just let it be. Be me.

Let go Chameleon girl, you have your own colour now

Birds eye view of colour tabbed objectivity

Stealing an idea I read where someone colour tabbed their diary, I decided to do this to keep balance (or even try to find its birth) in my life.

Begin with excel spreadsheet of my timetable, check! Add in study times… housework…add in family times…add in exercise… add in possible work.
Now, colour coding them..
Done!
Oh. My. Goggles.
This is an eye opener. Lots of Uni time, then throw in pieces of the rest and I hadn’t even thought of time for myself to do anything I might enjoy, with no room left.

This is a perfect recipe for disaster.

Ok. So I can’t work that often then. I need one day where I can have space to breathe. Relax, perhaps watch a tv show or read a book for pleasure!

Smart. Very smart. 🙂