Off with the meds! 

The struggle is real but I have had a really good week. A week where I feel like I have accomplished meaningful and important things.

I went off my meds just after Xmas. I had tapered down a little but then just dropped off. It’s not too risky on these ones seeing as tho they have a long half life. At first I lost sense of time. After 2 weeks I thought it had been 6 weeks. My sense of balance and proprioception changed. I felt like my eyes had just got a new prescription of glasses and I was walking around not exactly sure where things began and ended. That has gone away. After about 3 weeks I have had a rough time dealing. Irritable, shouting, teary, crying. I’ll give it another 2 weeks…. And this week has been great.

The struggle is still real. My sensitivity feels heightened and my body responds. Whether it is goosebumps or the urge to cry, I have to work hard with the strategies I have learnt in recovery to continue to keep from purging or self harm. I’m still winning.

Here’s hoping that “off with the meds” is not “off with my head”

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I don’t want to but I will

I wanted to write an intro leading to this… but I need some blogging therapy now. 

I have an ED. An eating disorder. On and off for many many years I have suffered and celebrated, bought into and recovered from a bipolaric relationship with food and my body. I hate it so much that I wish we never met and love it so much that I can’t let go. I thought I had recovered to a point where there’s no looking back… and then nights like this turn up seemingly unexpected. 

I sit here hungry, unsure what to do. My therapist would tell me I know exactly what to do. She is brilliant. Has taught me everything I need to know about how to recover. She thinks I know exactly what to do. And I do! I have the knowledge. I know I shouldn’t let myself get this hungry. I know that I shouldn’t be restricting. I know I shouldn’t be counting the calories I just burnt exercising. This is buying into the disorder. 

I am avoiding family right now. I had an amazing party weekend away and have come home. I feel the drop in excitement like shot put to mud. No No NO NO NO! But that’s another problem, for another day.

I need inspiration. I need some motivation to want to recover.

I want… to want to. 

 

So… while I don’t want to, I will now go grab a cracker or two until I do want to recover. 

I want to

I want to