Different yet the same. Christmas comparisons in the ED world.

Christmas was different this year. I want to write how many kg more difference but I know that shouldn’t be important. The fact that it is important signals a long way to go. The fact that as I sat in my doctor’s room crying in panic when she asked if she should weigh me, signals a long way to go.

Wrapping up, winding down therapy mode…. I envisioned a sense of freedom from the ED. I thought I would feel ready…free…non disordered.

Not the case.

However, if I compare this Christmas with last Christmas, what comes out?

A year ago, Christmas Day I had a few hours sleep before getting up at 4:30am to go to the gym. I could not let Christmas impede on my exercise regime. And yes, the 24hr gyms allow you the choice to be there on Christmas Day. I was relieved I wasn’t the first person, or the only person, crazy enough to be there. I even knew the person there before me. I wondered if she was as disordered as I was… Using training for an event as an excuse. I didn’t have an excuse, I just pretended I was so amazingly committed to my fitness instead of the truth, that I was amazingly committed to my disorder. I managed to get home just as the kids were waking…. Phew. I did it! Exhaustion set in later of course.

This year, I was woken at 5:35am with a preference for more sleep and begrudgingly got out of bed at 6am. No workouts this Christmas. Am I less disordered because I didn’t go to the gym on Christmas Day? Or does that negate itself because I was thinking ‘there’s not much point cos I’m fat anyway?’

I’m still managing without counting calories in, calories out, excessive exercise, or weighing myself or food. High five! You go girl! Oh, but I’ve purged several times this week, have restricted, and am always aware of how big I am… how disgusting I feel.

I contemplate taking the full dive back in to the murky, sad waters but I’m getting old. I’m getting tired. I don’t think my body will cope with another round of harm. It’s now left aching and slightly injured even without the over training… It will not take another battering so well.

No deep diving. Instead I live right now, snorkeling. Wading through the surface of it. Occasionally hitting deep but having to come up for air in rapid succession.

My analogy in a recent post was ‘snakes and ladders’. Sliding down and climbing back up.

But this…

This feels deeper then before…
Lower than before…
More murky than before.
This feels…
More constant than before.
More encompassing than before…
More suffocating than before.

So today, I bought more antidote.
I love water, I do. I feel akin to its life giving force…but my water has gotten murky and pathogenic again. I need some dry land training while I filter this water.

Antidotal yoga. The gentle washing away of pathogenic thoughts. The stillness, the being, the meeting of my true self once again.

Welcome back beautiful…
Be in 2014.

The last time

‘This is the last time I’ll purge ever again!’

‘Just one more time’

Will I still be saying this to myself in my old age?

snakes and ladders

I said goodbye.
I thought I was a milestone ahead. I thought it would be easier now that I wanted recovery more.

So why have I been continually emotionally eating and purging again? I was going so so so so well! The environment had been emotionally charged, a more challenging environment to deal with. Using food as my coping and so ashamed.

I’m disheartened.

It’s a journey that even when you think you’re finally ok, the snake tempts. You listen, forgetting every wise thing you were taught and fall 12 feet deep in a hole.

Reminder…I have a ladder now. I’m not helpless. My ladder is the skills I learnt in DBT.

Climb the ladder again?

Crazy recovery moment. Humorous in hindsight

During yoga in the weekend just past, I felt like I said goodbye to the eating disorder. It was a very sad moment. Grief tore deep within. It’s so strange that you can feel loss over something that has brought so much pain… But it is there.

In letting go, I can look forward. Again I am trying not to look back and keep the momentum of progress.

So here’s to a funny recovery moment.
I have been emotional eating recently. Bingeing too and a purge sneaked in. The stress that was triggering is now gone and 2kg gained, I have a choice.
I am not happy with how big I feel. I am trying to not judge my fatness. I am not even looking. I would like to lose the fat gained but not actively measuring or restricting. I wonder if this can be done. I am trying.

Today I have been to the gym, almost an hour of cardio and then this afternoon I would like to go again. Because I want to burn this fat. So I justify it by allowing myself to go because it’s only a yoga class, it’s not like I’m doing any cardio. I had fallen asleep on my bed but up I get forcing my tired body to keep going.
I walk back to grab my joggers and realise if I’m serious about no more cardio today then I can leave my joggers at home. Damn. I have caught myself out. No, no joggers. Don’t even tempt yourself by wearing them. So I get in the car with my thongs (flip flops) and start to drive to the gym. I check my watch and I’m going to be a little late to the class.
I could go to yoga tomorrow. In fact, I think I had already planned to go tomorrow. Hmmmmm. Gym and yoga today followed by gym and or yoga tomorrow?

Pulled the car over, did a u turn and returned home. I can go to yoga tomorrow. Right now it’s time for a cup of recovery tea.

I can now see how disordered I was. I’m fighting it.

You know you’re in recovery when you can be amused by your success.

A leap of progress

The blogging gets put off till when you have time to ‘get it right’ because ‘what’s happened is so big’ … But time just gets eaten away.

A lot like food actually. Hello to the new reality of trying to find balance.
Here’s the progress within the last month or two:
* I haven’t logged a meal of calories for over a month and am not counting them constantly
* I am not logging my exercise of calories burned
* I am not exercising in excess
* I forgot to weigh myself one week

These are huge accomplishments! This is the stuff that my whole world was functioning on… And I am doing without.

I. Am. Doing. It!!

It’s early days I know.

ED was screaming at me tonight. To purge. I’ve eaten a lot the last few days and mini binged tonight. Having to tolerate the emotions, thoughts and sensations is freaking difficult…. But I’m reminding myself of the benefits of recovery. I have been connecting more deeply with my family. I am watching TV again. I am sleeping more, not forcing myself to the gym even when I needed more sleep.

I have leapt over a large hurdle and am perhaps even scared to look back. This is new. Being more scared of the disorder rather than the recovery? I feel like if I look back I’ll be sucked straight into the blackened disordered darkness. I just need to keep moving right now. Keep walking and switching on all the lights.

Keep it light. Keep it bright.

Peace

Breakthrough with yoga love!

I have over eaten, not exercised today and I have little distress.

Usually I would be in high anxiety. Fighting urges, caught in judgements and more than likely on the treadmill.
I am ok!!
I have a sense of peace.
I don’t feel defined by what and how much I ate.
I do not have disgust at my full belly.

This feels like a step ahead in recovery. Only 2 nights ago I was tortured by urges and hate. That day I was at peace, that night I was in hell. I think with using my DBT skills that night and getting through those urges was key to my breakthrough today. Had I of not gotten through it successfully, I may have not stepped forward. The following day got easier and with more yoga sessions I’m back to feeling….

PEACE 🙂

I know this doesn’t mean that this is where I stay. I know I’ll be faced with the torture again.

But for this moment… This is all that’s important.

Tolerating the distress

Sometimes I have to be intentional and deliberate with the use of DBT skills. Yesterday my day turned from ‘Improve the moment’ and self care plans, to crisis mode, and I had to go with Distress Tolerance.

After graduating from a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) course, I find coping with life a little easier but I can become complacent with using the skills I learnt. I zealously applied them to overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but this form of treatment is showing such promising success in the areas of eating disorders too! My ED recovery is based in DBT.

Yesterday I was not complacent. I was aware fairly early that I was in ‘crisis mode’. My definition of crisis used to be around events or circumstances. The word crisis I would use to describe something traumatic happening, like a death or traumatic injury. My crisis is now defined around how I feel about any event. If my reaction is with turbulent emotion then I am in ‘crisis mode’. It validates my reality instead of dictating how I ‘should’ feel about something.

Something happened yesterday that was highly stressful and triggering. I can accept that I feel very strongly about this issue and dealing with it required me to 1) be aware of how I was feeling
2) apply the skills that were most appropriate

I could hear one of my therapist’s voices in my head (wise mind) linking a similar distress and it allowed me to acknowledge and accept the reality of the moment.

Distress tolerance (DT) is what I needed. DT involves skills to get through this moment, to tolerate it, without making things worse. It’s not about changing how you feel (though that can happen), it’s aim lies in making it through this initial period, doing things that will not bring harm.

It’s skill is based in wise mind ACCEPTS.
This ACCEPTS acronym stands for the distraction techniques you can draw from in ‘crisis mode’. Being in crisis mode it’s highly unlikely you can come up with ideas right then. The emotion is too high, so I recommend you personalize your own list at a time when you are sailing, or at least not in the firing zone on the battle field. Make it portable. Your phone is ideal to hold your weaponry of skills. It was the thing I turned to when I needed some ideas.

ACTIVITIES
Things you can DO to distract you. I used eating the meal I had yet to start. Face booking and housework. This one is easy to use. Surely anyone can find a game app they could get lost in!! EXERCISE is my biggest go to, but I have to be careful not to overuse it.

CONTRIBUTIONS
This is something you can do that gives to something or someone else. Could be charitable or encouraging a friend, making something for someone else,… Something that you can input that has a positive affect on others. I contribute to a Facebook group, sharing experiences or hope and encouragement… so I worked on that which inevitably helped me to focus on employing my skills.

COMPARISONS
When I originally heard this one, I cringed. I’m trying to steer away from comparing myself to others… Isn’t this going against my goals? However it is more directed at comparing for sake of gratitude, perhaps seeing the silver lining. So I become grateful for what I have, where I live, and who I have in my world to share that with. I compare my ability to cope in a positive way to how I would have coped a year ago.

EMOTIONS (opposite or different ones)
When I’m really sad, a good one for this is reading Damn You Auto Correct entries I have not been able to read these without tear spitting laughter!!
Music is always good as long as it isn’t perpetuating the emotion you are feeling.

PUSHING AWAY
This is about pushing thoughts away to think about at a more appropriate time when you have more wise mind to draw from. I visualize putting those thoughts in a box and putting them on a shelf. Aware they are still there to deal with later and not to let that box collect dust. Just postponing for looking at when I am not highly emotional.

THOUGHTS
Replacing negative or harming thoughts with others. I pick encouraging myself. ‘I can’t do this’ with ‘You can do this, you have done it before’. ‘This will never get better’ or ‘I can’t stand this’ to ‘it does get better, I have ridden this urge out before’

SENSATIONS
Using your senses to get an intense and/or physical reaction that is not self harming.
I didn’t need to call on this one yesterday as the urges weren’t intense and after scrolling through my list and doing all the above, my distress had lessened and could move on to use other skills. One of my favorites in this category when my distress is at its highest is pushing a full sized ice pack in my face. It’s like putting your face in a bucket of ice! Induces a divers reflex and an icy pain that won’t leave a mark or have permanence. Shocks me that much that it’s impossible to think of the distress and it’s causes. Other ones I use on the less intense scale are gentle touches on the arm or tickling feathers across my skin.

It takes time, but it works. It’s frustrating that I have to clear out the day to use these, like I am not coping, but in fact this is coping. Just coping in a more skillful and positive way than alternatives I have used in the past.

The practice was worth it. The distress has lessened.

Discovery; She is Me.

The signs were coming.
Indicating behaviors and thoughts bringing emotion turmoil, gaining avalanche speed.

I put my hand up.

Help!

A friend offered a place to stay for a few days. To retreat… find some space to think and find peace.

Now here’s the exciting thing….
In the past, the way of communicating my anguish would not form words. It would build inside and explode in self harm.

Not anymore.

This time I caught it early. I am eternally grateful to my therapist who, after my last crash and burn episode, helped me identify the indicators that precede. This time she was away and I managed on my own.

This time I used the skills I learnt in DBT to communicate my needs. It was tough. What I was asking for was a big deal. It highly impacts on others, but if I didn’t, the consequences could be much greater.

So I left children screaming after me, begging me to stay home and not leave. “It’s only for a few days. It’s ok. I’ll be back soon”…These words did not comfort them and it tore my heart out to drive away from their tortured faces.

I reassured myself that this was needed. They have a brilliant and capable dad that would look after their needs. I guess not to my detail and care, but he makes up for that in quality time spent playing with them.
It shows I am valued. That I cannot afford to leave this world yet. All the more reason for me to get back on track…. I just don’t want to damage them. I know I have to accept that inevitably I will somehow. It would not be human otherwise.

My experience today confirms that this is exactly where I am meant to be.
It was right to come here.

I discovered a 45 min hot yoga class almost equalled my calories burnt for my morning run of the same amount of time. Yoga has so many more benefits. Strength of body AND strength of mind. I am learning to connect my mind to my body. Essential to recovering from an eating disorder.

A chat with with my friend brought a reminder that negative energy and thoughts cause disease and destruction of the body.
I thought about how much energy and disordered thought I put into nutrition and exercise to be healthy…
but my mind is probably reeling it all back anyway.

I left for the beach my ‘Health at every size’ book in my bag. A 45 min reading bake and on to a yoga class buying a nut bar on the way.

I am so grateful to experience this class. Such a beautiful environment. This makes a large difference with the energy in the place.
I was initially nervous that I would have inferior skills but I didn’t need to worried (even if I did lack), I was very competent. What I experienced there during (insert the proper name where you lay down on back, eyes closed, palms up and just breathe) was a meeting with myself.

She said ‘hello’ and I was shocked but instantly drawn in, feeling love, compassion, and inwards I greeted a hello back to myself.
I had lost her for a long long time. Had not seen her or experienced her presence for what seemed like an eternity. But she was there and waiting for me to come back.

After my initial magnetization to her love, I scampered off as fear and ego crept in. Thoughts came stomping but I knew through mindfulness skills learnt in DBT, how to go back.
Release the thoughts. Leave the mind and just observe. Just be in the present moment with what I am feeling and experiencing.

Sense her presence.

She was still there but not as strong and she had a message for me…
I was momentarily surprised she was female…probably because of my Christian exposure…but she is me.

Her reassurance was that it is ok. I will love and nurture you… I needed to consult her every day… I needed space for this.

I quietly cried a little but she calmed me. It was ok to feel this emotion. It was right to express this emotion.

There is such a powerful intuition arriving inside that my change needs to be acceptance. I have been fighting to change so much, to adapt myself to the circumstance and achieve my dreams, but without doing it in a way that I can arrive there whole.

I keep breaking myself into pieces to push myself there, thinking somehow I just have to fix something to get it right… Other people can do this so I thought I needed to fix me to get their same results.

I was not accepting who I am, trying to use other people’s ways and identities to charge my way through life. Not giving her, myself, what she needs to thrive, love, grow and be at peace to keep myself whole along the way. My way.

Where I end up, my path is different. I cannot take another’s personality, identity or walk their path to get to my destination.

I have to be brave enough to face this admission. Not get on the treadmill and run away from this truth.

This acceptance does mean change, it may even mean another year at University and that’s something I have been adamant about this year, that it was not going to happen again.

My truth and path to remaining whole means space…

Space that is filled with yoga and exercise but also contemplation on nutrition and loving my body by getting to know her. Space to write and express so I stay connected to myself…
When I stop writing and practicing, I stop listening to her and asking her what she needs.

I had banished her because she needed more than my ego wanted to give.

I am awake.

I am present.

I am ready to embrace her and stay home.

Motionless

Frozen in space, in time,
absent line.
Can’t sleep, for the messy spread in my head.
Imperfection abounds, its infinity escapes tranquility.
Acceptance nor change; the indecision repeats revision.
Stagnant within process; neither dripping or gripping.
Just frozen in space, in time,
absent line

Enough is enough

When a lapse in recovery turns into a relapse its quite defeating. The disclosure of history and triggering events sent the ED back to comfort me. Promises made how it can give me control. How the answer to my problems is to lose weight and lose fat or I am left as disgusting. That the enticement of long hours at the gym will make all my problems disappear. I fell into its delusion again because at first riding the wave feels great and I think if I’m clever enough this time I won’t fall!!! DELUSION. The bingeing has crept back. I could under eat for a while and outsmart the binge using other emotion regulation skills but now it may be once I hit a certain weight combined with emotional events the bingeing returns.
I made a deal with myself last week. I came to the realization that I spent part time pursuing ED and part time pursuing recovery. The problem with this place of limbo is that I was neither getting worse nor better. Not worse enough to want to change and not any better to reap some normality. STALEMATE. I need to choose one or the other. My therapist is away and I have a sense of hopelessness that I can improve without her. ED is there, seducing and coaxing. So I choose this path again, thinking I have more skills now, a seatbelt, so I won’t get too hurt. Thinking I need it to be bad enough again so I have the motivation to fight for recovery once again. Hoping it gets bad enough quickly so I can get back on track. Surprisingly that afternoon it got bad but not how I expected. I would love to say its unrelated to the ED but I know it’s all interlinked somehow. A lapse of self harm. An event provoked so much emotion. Perhaps my giving up on skills to recover from ED also employed a lack of resistance to skills for the BPD. Anyhow, now the bingeing urge is rearing its head again. I thought I had put that to bed.
Here, now, I sit fighting the urge to purge. Using pros and cons, writing this blog to distract. My body is hurting from hours of exercise yesterday and I lie here exasperated at the cycle repeating once again.