Shared musings 

I want my feelings to spill on the pavement.
Out of me.
The shame inside is too much.

I need to get rid of this shame but keep from exposing this to anyone else.

The urge to secretly let it spill where no one can see is a convincing thought. Let out the poison.
Yes, dump it; so no one knows, just how deep the ‘you don’t want me’ goes. 

Wanting

Friday night, American honey on the rocks, listening to music, beautiful scenery, so peaceful…. Yet I feel so so alone. Like nobody wants me. 

I’m messaging people. I’m eating pizza. I’m intolerant to dairy and right now I don’t care. 

I feel abandoned. Why do I neeeeeed such a deep connection to particular safe people?

Why do I keep pulling…. I need you to care. 

I feel like such a reject sitting here on my own… Contemplating purging the pizza, thinking how disgusting I am. How no one really wants my company. Like I have to be someone else for acceptance…. And I just want to….. (Not wanting to trigger anyone) but I want to release the pain. 

I want to be stronger, thinner, more brilliant…. really i want to be reassured that I’m ok.

You are such an idiot. Why would they want to talk to you? No one does. They are too busy enjoying their own life without you in it. 

please dont hurt me.

Guilt 

Do you know what it’s like walking through life, picking up the guilty pieces and fitting them over the self hatred to impersonate confident brilliance?  

I am slipping. I can feel it. I am scared. 

The drinking has increased. I’m drinking on my own to numb. To get through. To cope. And the dink of choice is now always preferred on the rocks. Straight spirits. Fck soda and empty calories. The sole purpose is to calm. To separate me. 

My husband has noticed, and indicated his concern…. And then played the PlayStation. But now his concern has been stated, I feel the need to hide it. Or get help. I don’t know. 

I feel guilty because I did a radio interview on recovery a few weeks ago. Inspiring people to remove stigma and get help if needed. Now I feel like a fraud. I badly want to self harm, and I’m dealing with life by drinking. 

Not sure how this night will end. How will this guilt play out? 

Fighting for recovery 

Today I am finding it so difficult to look at my body. I pulled out a photo of when I was smaller. I used to think I still had big shoulders there. Now I look at it and see how tiny I was. Perspective huh?

So I’m fighting. If I feel like I look horrible in my swimmers… I’m going swimming anyway. I’m remembering what I didn’t have in that body. I didn’t have presence. I hardly lived in that body because my lens came from outside. It was like my ‘self’ walked outside the body and dictated everything from that perspective. 

I drink, and the urge to self harm increases. 

Fight. 

Fight for those girls you teach. If you cannot fight this, how are they supposed to? How can they have hope if you cannot beat this? Fight it for them. 

Graduation day

I made it. 

Literal blood, sweat and tears to get through the last ten years to receive my bachelor double degree with distinction. 

Numb me now

6am cycle class brought exhilaration today. I was dancing on my bike. Elated. Feeling the groove. In the zone. Free. The joys of recovery; to exercise with happiness instead of grueling compulsion.  

How quickly a day can change. 

I was trying to watch a movie at home but kept being interrupted by children. I actually really needed some down time and I was getting so frustrated by thwarted attempts. Insert twisties and Tim tams. Yep it went through my mind that this wasn’t a good option. Again. A little unsettled after my poor choices I took the kids out and I received some tragic news. 

News that makes you question the world and the evil that can end life by another’s hand. I am rocked. I can’t deal. Alcohol enters the mix. But I have stopped. No more. 

I need some TLC and rest. Please family, I need your kindness. 

Grieving. 

Chocolate is not the answer

 Frustrated, getting angry… 1st response? ‘I want chocolate’

Why I would want chocolate after watching ‘That sugar film’ today is astonishing but that’s what sugar does. 

Breathe. My son was verbally hammering me with arguments after plans had changed, I’m 40th in the queue waiting to try fix our internet that’s been down for 5 days (on school holidays!!!!????!!!) and have tried to contact them several times to no avail. 

So, getting back to I want to feel better, and the first urge is sugar. 

I’m trying the ‘you can have it if you want it but do you really want it?’ And my emotional reaction is YES I WANT IT! But I’m not in wise mind right now so I need some space to deal with my emotions without kids interrupting me telling me they have worms…. Again, another child wanting to know how far I am now in the queue. ‘Erghhhh I am trying to deal with my emotions here so I don’t eat, you go deal with yours!’ 

Right now as I’m writing this blog, this is me using distraction. Trying to fill the time till my emotions come down. Trying to express my voice and not suppress it with food. AND ITS WORKING!! 

Crisis averted. The answer is not chocolate.