Goodbye flashlight, the lights are on. 

Hello again to the bloggers I have connected with in the past. I did miss you but I guess I needed some privacy in my recovery. 

Today was my last official therapy appt. I do not have an eating disorder anymore. I am still recovering. In fact, I may always be in small ways.

It’s ironic that today I ‘feel fat’ (no such thing). But I am aware of the thought and I have dealt with it wisely. 

I am trying to write my therapist a thank you card but it’s not going as well as I would like. I want it to perfectly express gratitude yet the enormity of what I want to say and how I feel are too big for a little card.  I have sat and read back through years of blog posts and thinking of journal entries I have written. I come to terms that the emotions are still here. The bad days are still here, but I am healthy enough to wisely deal with them. Like now. I wanted some quiet. I was feeling a conflict of anxious and up. I wanted to find solitude to write. I avoided Max brenner. The chocolate restaurant is Prob not a wise choice now. So I enter the coffee club. Ice coffee and pancakes deluxe. They didn’t even taste nice. Which made me angry. I wasted my money and calories  on this. For the first time in a while I not only thought about purging but the urge got high. I wanted to purge out the waste and the anger. I know how to deal with this tho. And I don’t want to go back to the hell I was in. What I have now I don’t want to lose. Distract. Accept. Let the emotion be. It’s allowed to be. This is my humanity. 

I may go home and smash my scale. It does not measure anything important in life. 

I’m guessing I’ll be writing more recovery focused posts now. 

Talk soon xo

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