I’ve been in blog hiding. Avoiding. I mean, what can I articulate when I’m not even sure?
When I’m blog hiding I’ve put it down to 2ish possible reasons.
1) I’m flat out busy living without the immediate cathartic need to blog
2) I’m engaging more in disordered behaviours and feel like I cannot bring positivity to the blogging world
I thought it was 1) for a while. I filled up my life (yet again, when will I learn?) with new and current commitments. Filled it to the brim. Over spilling but I was surfing on top. I got this. I’m achieving. I’m loosing weight. But I’m oh so healthy. I’m doing this the right way!! It’s even curing my eating disorder. I was going so well. Until I wasn’t.
Here’s the thing with eating disorders. You think you have them nailed and then one day you turn around and the nails have fallen out.
The last week has reminded me that I may be at 2). Today it has accumulated into the constant surveillance. Some behaviours seem too hard to resist. Mood is low and fearful. Conflict and war in my head.
Agony resides but I’m letting it be. Laying down my hammer for today. I’m too tired to work.