SURGE

Recovery is on the down hill part if the journey at the moment. It’s complicated, but I made a decision that goes in opposition to my ED treatment. In some ways this could be a good move but my therapist does not think so. I’m torn.

On another note, I am amidst a compressed course at university. Will have a whole course done in 4 days. It’s not altogether new material for me but it is the topics I. LOVE. After coming off holidays where my frustrated type A ness met barrier after barrier to achieving any goals, embracing a course I love and am good at has sent me bouncing off the walls. I am elated and excited when I am there for a period of time. Engaged and also challenged to produce articulation and then I hit boredom but hyperactive and need to move. The gym has been my friend in this But after a couple of days…. Doubt. Not about my efficacy but who I am. People must be so annoyed by my exuberant personality. Answering the questions. Coming up with ideas. Writing hard. Talking quick. One person remarked she wish she had ADHD when I was talking how unfelt really hyperactive and needed to go run. So I guess this is how I am presenting. What does the rest of the class think? That I’m a know it all? Do I listen enough? I try wait for someone else to respond. I try to hold myself back. I am aware that I feel I should make myself smaller. That I am too much for people. That I should quiet my voice.
I can feel the drop in mood. I have cried tonight after being super excited for days. Listening to piano music to try keep calm.
This compressed course stuff is intense… Especially for someone senstive to emotional instability. I hate that I have to consider this. Sometimes I wish I wish I was normal… But that farce doesn’t exist.

The most important thing for me right now would be to focus on PLEASE MASTER skills. Taking care of myself.
P – physical iLlness. Check! All good there and taking supplements
E – eating (balanced). Well kind of. It’s under but I’m being wise at times and eating more when I drastically need to.
A – altering drugs (avoid mood alternating drugs). Check. All good there.
S – Sleep. This one has been consistently improved for a long time now so I’ve got that covered too
E – Exercise. Yes. A bit excessive at times but evens out and I’m not getting distressed too much when I can’t. I have been able to adapt pretty well.
MASTER – yep. All over this course.

So. It’s only the eating I’m not going really well in.

Keep on keeping on

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