During yoga in the weekend just past, I felt like I said goodbye to the eating disorder. It was a very sad moment. Grief tore deep within. It’s so strange that you can feel loss over something that has brought so much pain… But it is there.
In letting go, I can look forward. Again I am trying not to look back and keep the momentum of progress.
So here’s to a funny recovery moment.
I have been emotional eating recently. Bingeing too and a purge sneaked in. The stress that was triggering is now gone and 2kg gained, I have a choice.
I am not happy with how big I feel. I am trying to not judge my fatness. I am not even looking. I would like to lose the fat gained but not actively measuring or restricting. I wonder if this can be done. I am trying.
Today I have been to the gym, almost an hour of cardio and then this afternoon I would like to go again. Because I want to burn this fat. So I justify it by allowing myself to go because it’s only a yoga class, it’s not like I’m doing any cardio. I had fallen asleep on my bed but up I get forcing my tired body to keep going.
I walk back to grab my joggers and realise if I’m serious about no more cardio today then I can leave my joggers at home. Damn. I have caught myself out. No, no joggers. Don’t even tempt yourself by wearing them. So I get in the car with my thongs (flip flops) and start to drive to the gym. I check my watch and I’m going to be a little late to the class.
I could go to yoga tomorrow. In fact, I think I had already planned to go tomorrow. Hmmmmm. Gym and yoga today followed by gym and or yoga tomorrow?
Pulled the car over, did a u turn and returned home. I can go to yoga tomorrow. Right now it’s time for a cup of recovery tea.
I can now see how disordered I was. I’m fighting it.
You know you’re in recovery when you can be amused by your success.