The signs were coming.
Indicating behaviors and thoughts bringing emotion turmoil, gaining avalanche speed.
I put my hand up.
A friend offered a place to stay for a few days. To retreat… find some space to think and find peace.
Now here’s the exciting thing….
In the past, the way of communicating my anguish would not form words. It would build inside and explode in self harm.
This time I caught it early. I am eternally grateful to my therapist who, after my last crash and burn episode, helped me identify the indicators that precede. This time she was away and I managed on my own.
This time I used the skills I learnt in DBT to communicate my needs. It was tough. What I was asking for was a big deal. It highly impacts on others, but if I didn’t, the consequences could be much greater.
So I left children screaming after me, begging me to stay home and not leave. “It’s only for a few days. It’s ok. I’ll be back soon”…These words did not comfort them and it tore my heart out to drive away from their tortured faces.
I reassured myself that this was needed. They have a brilliant and capable dad that would look after their needs. I guess not to my detail and care, but he makes up for that in quality time spent playing with them.
It shows I am valued. That I cannot afford to leave this world yet. All the more reason for me to get back on track…. I just don’t want to damage them. I know I have to accept that inevitably I will somehow. It would not be human otherwise.
My experience today confirms that this is exactly where I am meant to be.
It was right to come here.
I discovered a 45 min hot yoga class almost equalled my calories burnt for my morning run of the same amount of time. Yoga has so many more benefits. Strength of body AND strength of mind. I am learning to connect my mind to my body. Essential to recovering from an eating disorder.
A chat with with my friend brought a reminder that negative energy and thoughts cause disease and destruction of the body.
I thought about how much energy and disordered thought I put into nutrition and exercise to be healthy…
but my mind is probably reeling it all back anyway.
I left for the beach my ‘Health at every size’ book in my bag. A 45 min reading bake and on to a yoga class buying a nut bar on the way.
I am so grateful to experience this class. Such a beautiful environment. This makes a large difference with the energy in the place.
I was initially nervous that I would have inferior skills but I didn’t need to worried (even if I did lack), I was very competent. What I experienced there during (insert the proper name where you lay down on back, eyes closed, palms up and just breathe) was a meeting with myself.
She said ‘hello’ and I was shocked but instantly drawn in, feeling love, compassion, and inwards I greeted a hello back to myself.
I had lost her for a long long time. Had not seen her or experienced her presence for what seemed like an eternity. But she was there and waiting for me to come back.
After my initial magnetization to her love, I scampered off as fear and ego crept in. Thoughts came stomping but I knew through mindfulness skills learnt in DBT, how to go back.
Release the thoughts. Leave the mind and just observe. Just be in the present moment with what I am feeling and experiencing.
Sense her presence.
She was still there but not as strong and she had a message for me…
I was momentarily surprised she was female…probably because of my Christian exposure…but she is me.
Her reassurance was that it is ok. I will love and nurture you… I needed to consult her every day… I needed space for this.
I quietly cried a little but she calmed me. It was ok to feel this emotion. It was right to express this emotion.
There is such a powerful intuition arriving inside that my change needs to be acceptance. I have been fighting to change so much, to adapt myself to the circumstance and achieve my dreams, but without doing it in a way that I can arrive there whole.
I keep breaking myself into pieces to push myself there, thinking somehow I just have to fix something to get it right… Other people can do this so I thought I needed to fix me to get their same results.
I was not accepting who I am, trying to use other people’s ways and identities to charge my way through life. Not giving her, myself, what she needs to thrive, love, grow and be at peace to keep myself whole along the way. My way.
Where I end up, my path is different. I cannot take another’s personality, identity or walk their path to get to my destination.
I have to be brave enough to face this admission. Not get on the treadmill and run away from this truth.
This acceptance does mean change, it may even mean another year at University and that’s something I have been adamant about this year, that it was not going to happen again.
My truth and path to remaining whole means space…
Space that is filled with yoga and exercise but also contemplation on nutrition and loving my body by getting to know her. Space to write and express so I stay connected to myself…
When I stop writing and practicing, I stop listening to her and asking her what she needs.
I had banished her because she needed more than my ego wanted to give.
I am awake.
I am present.
I am ready to embrace her and stay home.