I sit in tears this morning confused. How can one week of normal eating and a little overeating put on 2kg and 2% fat??? Therapists will tell me it takes 7000 calories on top of maintenance to gain a kg of fat. I haven’t eaten 14000 extra calories in a week.
The bulimia started when I was 14 years old. I was a rebellious child and I had started to give up on caring because I thought no body cared about me. I didn’t realize way back then I was a perfectionist. It was all or nothing in me. After a bout of participating in the 40 hour famine I relieved my hunger by eating high sugar foods and felt sick so I forced myself to throw up. Right there in the basement toilets I had a door opening moment to answers of purging. The sign on the door reads ‘ladies’ but on the back the inscription is ‘Hell’.
I wonder how many other people that participate in the 40 hr famine to fundraise and make aware a third world hunger crisis go on to experience their own? Instead of making any difference in a starving child’s life, I transferred the problem to my own first world body.
This is just my own personal experience with it.
To live in the depths of starvation, deprivation, bingeing and purging are years of turbulent emotions that convey the unhappiness inside and are blurred memories. The guilt when you cave and give in to eating. The weakness you feel…. The failure of an eating disorder.
Why can some people resist for so long and not me? Why is the goal actually anorexia? Why would you even want that? Why would I hold anorexia in high esteem? Why do I admire and perceive strength at something so violent and harmful to a body?
Binge, purge, starve, cry, binge, purge, starve, cry.
Binge, pregnant, over eat, guilt, binge, pregnant, over eat, guilt.
Binge, purge, exercise, starve, binge, purge, exercise, starve.
Binge, exercise, restrict, binge, exercise, restrict.
Overeat, exercise. restrict, overeat, exercise, restrict.
Normal eat, exercise, overeat, exercise.
Restrict, exercise, restrict, exercise.
And now? Cycling back to the beginning….
The way the ED has morphed from Bulimia to EDNOS, weaving in and out has depended on the circumstances of life. I recover from one behavior and adapt to include or increase another. As soon as bingeing returns its my worst possible nightmare.
It feels like a failure in eating disorder. When in fact it is its own. This, no matter how I look at it, is an eating disorder. I am sick enough and disordered enough to recover.
Months ago I reformulated my goals. I had taken steps toward great recovery work in overcoming disordered behaviors. Re-thought my goal weight to something that seemed reasonable for my body. But when I got there, it wasn’t enough. Every time, I will set a new goal that is lower than before… Till I reach this space. Where my body fights back with primal urgency to devour and feast because it hits a point where it has a famine freak.
I’m not sure why my point of famine freak is where it is, but it must be different for each individual yet consistent and reliable personally. The pattern has evolved that when I hit this particular weight, I hit a famine freak.
So, I’m calling it.
A decision needs to follow. Where does my willingness lie?
The urge to get rid of these 2 kg I just put on is high, but will returning to that weight just repeat the famine freak?
And returning to that weight, will I then lower the goal once again?
Is this an eating disorder or is this recovery? It is both for me. I see the relapse as part of recovery.
It is a back step of purposeful action into ambivalent contemplation.
It is the pain of an eating disorder with the struggle of recovery.
I see this point alike a whacko mole game where I’m trying to smash each head as it pops up. But it’s so quick and they keep coming back! I have figured out that I could just walk behind this and turn off the power.
Peace. Stillness. Mindfulness. A yogaic place awaits that whispers internal contemplation and gentleness towards oneself.
Do I pick up the hammer and continue to play the game or turn off the power and just let it be?
Why is this decision so hard? Why is the game so enticing and addictive? Why does this game still have the need for existence?
The time has come to wheel it out of here unconnected to power.
The eating disorder has had its own place setting at the table which needs un inviting. You are not welcome here anymore.
There is no failed eating disorder.