Enough is enough

When a lapse in recovery turns into a relapse its quite defeating. The disclosure of history and triggering events sent the ED back to comfort me. Promises made how it can give me control. How the answer to my problems is to lose weight and lose fat or I am left as disgusting. That the enticement of long hours at the gym will make all my problems disappear. I fell into its delusion again because at first riding the wave feels great and I think if I’m clever enough this time I won’t fall!!! DELUSION. The bingeing has crept back. I could under eat for a while and outsmart the binge using other emotion regulation skills but now it may be once I hit a certain weight combined with emotional events the bingeing returns.
I made a deal with myself last week. I came to the realization that I spent part time pursuing ED and part time pursuing recovery. The problem with this place of limbo is that I was neither getting worse nor better. Not worse enough to want to change and not any better to reap some normality. STALEMATE. I need to choose one or the other. My therapist is away and I have a sense of hopelessness that I can improve without her. ED is there, seducing and coaxing. So I choose this path again, thinking I have more skills now, a seatbelt, so I won’t get too hurt. Thinking I need it to be bad enough again so I have the motivation to fight for recovery once again. Hoping it gets bad enough quickly so I can get back on track. Surprisingly that afternoon it got bad but not how I expected. I would love to say its unrelated to the ED but I know it’s all interlinked somehow. A lapse of self harm. An event provoked so much emotion. Perhaps my giving up on skills to recover from ED also employed a lack of resistance to skills for the BPD. Anyhow, now the bingeing urge is rearing its head again. I thought I had put that to bed.
Here, now, I sit fighting the urge to purge. Using pros and cons, writing this blog to distract. My body is hurting from hours of exercise yesterday and I lie here exasperated at the cycle repeating once again.

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