You have not earned the right

I’m saying goodbye to the idea I will have a close relationship with my parents and saying hello to the reality that we will have a relationship built on love but not fostered with truth, trust and openness. I say hello to guarding my heart when I am around family. I have a sensitive heart, it is easily broken. I do not need to break the relationship but I do need to be careful of it.
Mum please don’t expect anything different. Please don’t expect that you are privy to any of my inner thoughts. You haven’t earned that right. You made me feel small when I was large. You made me feel dull when I was bright. I was born to shine and you threw dirt upon me till I was so dusty I didn’t know how to wash it off. I now understand why I lost my voice. I now understand why I cue so well to reading people and try desperately to meet their idea and their measurement and their needs. I felt like I was wrong, I should be quiet, I was to be ashamed of who I was. I am so angry that after all this, in the midst of an ED that you were angry at me for it. That you yelled at me for leaving behind the evidence to throwing up and how sick of it you were. How sick? Did you not see how sick I was? And then circumstances arose so that you were able to ignore me and my ED. I’m so sorry your dad died then. I remember after the funeral being so upset, sobbing tears and came to you for comfort but you sent me away because you were busy preparing food for the guests. Repeatedly you ignored my needs and I managed to find comfort elsewhere. I went and found comfort in men and their appreciation of the sexual needs that I mistakenly learnt a woman was for. Never in a relationship though because who would want to be in a relationship with me? Sex was what I was good for… Nothing else. Until I managed to charm someone to marry me. He must have seen through it all, I don’t know how because I didn’t even know myself. I think he needed me almost as much as I needed him.
The blog has to stop here for now. I’ve just had one of those moments of revelation and insight that’s possibly impeding my recovery and I’m going to attend to that…..


4 responses to “You have not earned the right

  1. This is one of the most beautiful posts I’ve read in a while. The emotion is just so damned raw. It’s open, honest, and wonderful. I love this.

  2. It’s hard to have parents who behave that way. I cried a lot growing up and rather than comfort me, my mom acted like it was an insult to her. But it is good to make peace with family members and now I have a much better relationship with my mom, but I don’t let her in on the inner stuff.

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